Comparison & Shame: How to Send Them Packing 2

When you’re between jobs or careers, Comparison and Shame can move in like uninvited houseguests.
Learn how to send them packing the next time someone asks, “So, what are you doing these days?”

A WholeSTEP Wisdom Piece by Shari Lash

Don’t you just love it when friends, family or acquaintances ask you, “So, what are you doing these days?” when you’re in between jobs or careers? An innocent question can trigger strong emotions, your sense of identity and even your self-worth.

You probably dread gatherings and parties. You feel anxiety before someone inquires because you don’t feel like you have an “acceptable” answer. So you say, “I’m unemployed right now.” “I’m not sure what I’m going to do next,” or, “I’m trying to figure things out.”

As soon as those words come out of your mouth you’re immediately regretful. That’s because Comparison and Shame have moved in, taken over, and answered on your behalf.

When you haven’t got paid work, it’s easy to become hyper-focused on not having what’s expected — a steady job with a good salary, benefits, vacation time, material assets and probably a whole lot of other things.

A missed opportunity to positively connect is a one two punch. You compare your situation to someone else’s and you don’t measure up. Then, you want to run away and hide.

Comparison and Shame are like two unwanted houseguests. They eat all your food, don’t clean up, stay awake all night, and always find excuses to stay longer.

So how do you send these trolls packing? How can you be in a state of transition and brush them aside when someone asks you that awful question, “So, what are you doing these days?”

Think of your response strategy in financial terms. Really.

Grow your assets

Instead of being locked in the house with Comparison and Shame, see if you can open your door to kindness, even if it’s just a crack. We are not human doings. Being busy with work is a false currency. Don’t buy into it.

You have value even if you aren’t “gainfully employed”. Don’t believe that? Ask someone you know and trust. I bet she or he could name five things they appreciate about you, ranging from your perseverance, sense of humour or that you’re good at fixing things. Keep a record of those assets. Write them down. Put them on your phone. Ask someone else and see how your bounty of confidence grows.

Invest wisely

Determine who’s asking the question and respond accordingly. Will it benefit you to share the complexity of your current situation?  If not, say you’ve been watching the last season of Downton Abbey or learning how to cook with fewer carbs and sugar. These are perfectly acceptable categories of answers.

If you do feel like being more substantial, invest a little more. Maybe you’ve been looking after ageing parents, looking for an apartment, training a new puppy, or volunteering at a homeless shelter. Share about how these things are challenging or joyful.

Remember, you absolutely have the right not to disclose what makes you uncomfortable. Having some prepared answers in your pocket could secure you an easy conversation.

Leverage your offer

Networking can happen anywhere and anytime. So, if it feels right for you, go ahead and share that you’re in between jobs or considering a new career. But mind your language! Refrain from using the words “not”, “haven’t” or “don’t”: “I’m not working right now;” “I haven’t been able to find a job;” “I don’t have a direction right at the moment.” Just don’t do it.

Refer to your list of strengths and tap into your hopefulness and curiosity about the future. Build on phrases like, “I’m excited about…”; “I’m interested in…,”; “I’m exploring…”.

Seize the opportunity to leverage your qualities and interests for leads. If you’re exploring ways you can work with seniors or curious about using your creative skills to get into advertising maybe the other person can help you access the hidden job market through one of their contacts.

Comparison and Shame are mirror images of Kindness and Acceptance. You get to choose whose side you’re on. Experiencing work or career transition is challenging but it doesn’t place you outside the larger conversation. When asked what you are doing these days, give yourself permission to dig as deep as you need to for the answer.

Resist the pull to diminish your value and count on making a more authentic and enduring impression. Choose your words wisely. The world needs you!